Rosh Hashanah

OK guys, I had a 7 AM dental check-up and this is my first break since then. Please forgive any mental fogginess. Also, please forgive me for any general or specific wrongs I have committed that hurt you during the past year, whether via this missive or other venues. I’m sorry. I have found that talking less and listening more is a good way to avoid hurting others, but it’s not foolproof. If there’s anything specific you’d like to discuss with me, please do so.

From 2007:

Rosh Hashanah encompasses a wide range of themes: creation of the world; judgement and being called to account (whence the sounding of the shofar), the beginning of a new year (ironically, the Biblical year begins with the month of Nissan; Tishrei as #1 was a Babylonian thing), remembrance (by the Lord). The holiday is grand and intimate at once. Synagogue attendance swells dramatically, prayers invoke feelings of awe (or should anyway), special majestic melodies are used, and services are lengthened by added poetry, prayers, and include an extra long Musaf service. Yet familiar foods and family customs, apples and honey and round challahs, throwing bread crumbs in flowing water (“tashlich”), wishing each other a good and sweet year and personal introspection and acts of forgiveness combine to allow each of us to connect with this season in ways all the grandness can’t. Or maybe the intimacy is what eventually leads us to connect with the grandeur. This is reflected in the Torah and Haftarah readings. Besides the obligatory reading about the obligatory sacrifices (Numbers 29:1-6 each day), we read continuous Torah portions, Genesis 21:1-34, about the birth of Isaac and the banishment of Ishmael, and Genesis 22:1-24, about the near-sacrifice of Isaac (the “akedah”). The first day’s haftarah are is about the birth of Samuel (I Samuel 1:1 – 2:10, which I chanted while expecting the birth of my daughter). Finally, the selection from Jeremiah chanted the second day is about the return of Israel from exile (Jeremiah 31:2-20), but the best remembered image is Rachel weeping for her children (31:20).

And so begins the 14th year of Torah Portion Humor! WOW!!!!!!!

I wish you all a good and sweet 5773.

L’shana tovah,

Irene

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http://www.commercialventvac.com/~jeffs/Humor.html

[This appears to be a dead link now]

and many other sites.

 

Appropriate Crumbs for Tashlich

This has become a Rosh Hashanah classic, and I first included Rabbi Israel’s original list and the ones from bethelsudbury here in 2000, added the others in 2003, and last sent out the whole thing in 2008.

Tashlich Crumbs : A Comical Look at Tashlich

by Rabbi Richard J. Israel
Taking a few crumbs to Tashlich from whatever old bread is in the house lacks subtlety, nuance and religious sensitivity. I would suggest that we can do better. Instead:

For ordinary sins, use ……………………… White Bread

For exotic sins .[another source had “erotic sins” here]……..French Bread

For particularly dark sins ………………….. Pumpernickel

For complex sins ………………………….. Multi-Grain

For twisted sins …………………………… Pretzels

For tasteless sins …………………………. Rice Cakes

For sins of indecision ……………………… Waffles

For sins committed in haste …………………. Matzah

For sins committed in less than eighteen minutes.. Shmurah Matzah

For sins of chutzpah ……………………….. Fresh Bread

For substance abuse/marijuana ……………….. Stoned Wheat

For substance abuse/heavy drugs ……………… Poppy Seed

For committing auto theft …………………… Caraway

For petty larceny ………………………….. Stollen

For committing arson ……………………….. Toast

For timidity ………………………………. Milk Toast

For being ill tempered/sulky ……………….. Sourdough

For silliness ……………………………… Nut Bread

For not giving full value …………………… Shortbread

For jingoism ………………………………. Yankee Doodles
For risking one’s life unnecessarily …………. Hero Bread
For excessive use of irony ………………….. Rye Bread

For telling bad jokes ………………………. Corn Bread
For hardening our hearts ……………………. Jelly doughnuts
For being money hungry …………… Enriched Bread or Raw Dough
For war-mongering ………………………….. Kaiser Rolls
For immodest dressing ………………………. Tarts
For causing injury or damage to others ……….. Tortes
For promiscuity ……………………………. Hot Buns
For promiscuity with gentiles ……………….. Hot Cross Buns
For racism ……………………………….. Crackers
For sophisticated racism ……………………. Ritz Crackers
For davenning (praying) off tune …………….. Flat Bread
For being holier than thou ………………….. Bagels
For unfairly upbraiding another ……………… Challah
For indecent photography ……………………. Cheese Cake
For trashing the environment ………………… Dumplings
For sins of laziness ………………………. Any Very Long Loaf
For being hyper-critical ……………………. Pan Cakes
For political skullduggery ………………….. Bismarcks
For over-eating ………………… Stuffing Bread or Bulkey Rolls
For gambling ………………………………. Fortune Cookies
For abrasiveness …………………………… Grits
For sins of pride ………………………….. Puff Pastry
For cheating ………….. Baked Goods with Nutrasweet and Olestra
For being snappish ………………………… Ginger Bread
For impetuosity …………………………… Quick Bread
For incompetent child rearing ………………. Raisin Bread
For negligent slip ups …………………….. Banana Bread
For dropping in without warning ……………. Popovers
For trying to improve everyone within sight ….. Angel Food Cake
For being up-tight and irritable ……. High Fiber or Bran Muffins
For sycophancy …………………………… Brownies

More from

http://www.bethelsudbury.org/taschlic.htm
For selling your soul, Devils Food Cake

For lust in your heart, Wonder Bread

For a cold heart, Frozen Bread

For the sin of neglect, Moldy Bread

(the following are from Mark Ricci, same site)

For evil spirit sins, Garlic Bread

For ghoulish sins, Pumpkin Bread

For prolific sinning, Zucchini Bread

For vanity, Hero Bread

For pickpocketing, Pita Bread

For bad etiquette, English Muffins

And still more:

http://www.ritualwell.org:10030/Rituals/ritual.html?docid=539.

For excessive curiosity – Wonder Bread

For speed limit violations – Russian bread

For usury – dough

http://www.angelfire.com/ri/tucker/jokes/jokes64.html

For ill-will against Muslims…. Crescent Rolls

For cheating at squash–Zucchini Bread

For patronizing an adult bookstore–Spice Cake

For fleecing islanders–Banana Bread

For Mafia membership–Pasta

For indulging in despair… Blueberry Muffins

http://members.aol.com/godx2/humor/religion/tashlich.html

For bad temper – Crusty Bread

For having a hole where your heart should be – Bagels

For flaunting wealth in the form of fancy cars – Rolls

For acting like a mad person – Crackers

For cutting remarks – Sliced Bread

And, as Rabbi Israel concluded in the original:

Remember, you don’t have to show your crumbs to anyone. For those who require a wide selection of crumbs, an attempt will be made to have pre-packaged Tashlich Mix available in three grades (Tashlich Lite, Medium and Industrial Strength) at your local Jewish bookstore.

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From 2009

http://www.harryc.com/j-jokes04-rh-yk.htm

Rosh Hashanah
It was Rosh Hashanah evening. In the old Jewish neighborhood, everyone was heading to services. And on his way to synagogue, the Rabbi notices one of his neighbors – an old timer – sitting on a park bench.
“Sam. Aren’t you going to services.”?
“Not this year, Rabbi.”
“Why not Sam? Don’t you think you should ask G-d for another year of good health?”
“Rabbi. I’m ninety-three years old. Most of my friends are gone. And I have a hunch. I think that in heaven they’ve forgotten about me. And the last thing I want to do… is remind them!”

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http://www.bangitout.com

Machzor=festival prayerbook

Along these lines, here’s a true story. My synagogue uses a machzor that doesn’t have everything presented exactly in the order of our service. So, for example, certain psalms we recite at the end of the service are back around page 39 or so in a ca. 300 page prayer book.

Anyhow, as a 5+ hour long Rosh Hashanah service drew to a close, the rabbi announced page 30-something and a confused congregant asked Jay, a more experienced shul-goer, what was going on. Jay replied:

“We’re starting over.”

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http://www.bangitout.com/articles/viewarticle.php?a=2952
Top Ten Ways New Years Eve is like Rosh Hashana [selected]

by Weekly Bang Staff
Posted: 12-28-2007(Viewed 4922 times)

10. Both involve an apple dropping

9. Midnight “Happy New Year!” cheer strangely similar to concluding shofar Tekiah Gedolah applause

8. One focuses on a hanging balance, the other – just dealing with being hung over

7. Both have resolutions that last exactly 10 days.

6. One has intense Confession, the other intense Confetti

4. Inscribed in one, Imbibe in the other

2. A round challah on Rosh Hashana and at least 3 more rounds on New Year’s Eve

1. The Gates of Heaven are always open… just like the bar on New Year’s Eve so is the bar

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http://www.shofarinthepark.com/

If you happen to be in NYC for the holiday:

Rosh Hashanah, September 17, 2012 – NYC – Central Park – Bandshell – 5-6pm

We’ve been tooting our own horn for over 3,300 years.
And we’re pretty good at it.

· New Yorkers: Escape the honking for some blowing.
This September 17, duck out of the New York City hubbub for an hour of refuge at the bandshell in Central Park. Return to a simpler, more essential state, together with fellow New Yorkers. Hear the stirring, unadulterated blasts of the Shofar as we reflect on our collective birthday. And walk away with a message that you were carrying all along.

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http://www.jewishhumorcentral.com/2011/09/dipping-your-apple-in-honey-but-who.html

How to Dip your Apple in Honey

Mendy Pellin shares his sweet techniques for the Jewish New Year.

A video is at the above website, but the photo gives you the general idea.

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