Yes, I know it’s only Sunday, but I will be away, so I thought I’d send this out now. I am also in my usual pre-vacation transition state, toward the end of taking care of all the little details (my husband took care of the big ones – thanks, sweetie!) but not quite on vacation, so instead of whirling, my mind is somewhat blank. Thus, I will try to keep this short. (Stop cheering…)
Parashat Re’eh begins reading the main legal section of Deuteronomy. It opens with the statement (Deut. 11:26), “See, I put before you blessing and curse,” blessing if you follow God’s ways, curse if you don’t. Your choice. Rashi thinks this actually refers specifically to the dramatic recitation of blessings and curses that occurs later in Deuteronomy, but Nachmanides thinks it’s a more global statement, which seems more likely to me. Anyhow, the text that follows concerns the need to choose to obey once they enter the Promised Land (12:8): “You shall not act at all as we now act here, every (one) as (s) he pleases.” Then we read how to act, including what animals are kosher and eating meat in general. Yes, the Israelites have been eating meat, but it’s the meat from sacrifices. Now they’re told about what animals they can eat whenever. Also included here are laws regarding the sabbatical and jubilee years, false prophets (I just found a d’var Torah on false prophets that I gave in 2000. Available on request.), and the harvest festivals (Pesach, Shavuot, and Sukkot). That last section is also read on the 8th day of Pesach, 2nd day of Shavuot, and Shemini Atzeret. Haven’t we read enough about festivals? Ah, but this time the instructions concern more about the non-sacrificial aspects of observing the festivals, the how and why. For example, eating matzah on Pesach is explicitly linked to the sudden departure from Egypt.
And so, a very early Shabbat shalom,
Meal Time on El-Al
It was mealtime during a flight on El-Al.
“Would you like dinner?” the flight attendant asked Moishe, seated in front.
“What are my choices?” Moishe asked.
“Yes or no,” she replied.
Sweet Veggie Quotes & Riddles
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
“The standard diet of a meat-eater is blood, flesh, veins, muscles, tendons, cow secretions, hen periods and bee vomit. And once a year during a certain holiday in November, meat-eaters use the hollowed-out rectum of a dead bird as a pressure cooker for stuffing. And people think vegans are weird because we eat tofu?
– vegan bodybuilder Robert Cheeke”
What do vegan zombies say?
– Graaaaaains! Graaaaaaains!
Why did the Tomato go out with a prune?
– Because he couldn’t find a date!
From Pastor Tim
A recent bride called her mother one evening in tears.
“Oh, Mom, I tried to make Grandma’s meat loaf for dinner tonight, and it’s just awful! I followed the recipe exactly, and I know I have the recipe right because it’s the one you gave me. But it just didn’t come out right, and I’m so upset. I wanted this to be so special for George because he loves meat loaf. What could have gone wrong?”
Her mother replied soothingly, “Well, dear, let’s go through the recipe. You read it out loud and tell me exactly what you did at each step, and together we’ll figure it out.”
“Okay,” the bride sniffled. “Well, it starts out, ‘Take fifty cents worth of ground beef’………….”
Some oldies but goodies…
From “The Jewish Laws of Television” by Eli D. Clark
- The Laws of Kashrus
A. One should not eat meat while dairy products are being advertised on television, lest one come to mix the two. It is preferable to wait six hours before watching a dairy advertisement. …
- After eating meat, a pregnant woman with a craving for ice cream may watch an advertisement for Haagen-Daaz, but only if the reception is fuzzy.
- One should not eat dairy while meat products are being advertised on television, unless one has just brushed one’s teeth. An intervening toothpaste or mouthwash ad is also acceptable.
“Judaism – Traditional Vs. Reform” by David Bader
from How to Be an Extremely Reform Jew
Traditional: Farm animal must be killed by ritual slaughterer using a sharply honed knife that must not have a single nick on its blade.
Reform: Farm animal must be told that it has the right to an attorney.
Trad’l: Will not combine meat with milk.
Reform: Will not combine meat with chocolate milk.
Trad’l: One set of dishes for meat, another set for dairy.
Reform: One set of dishes exclusively for cheeseburgers.
Conversation with G-d and Moshe on top of Mt. Sinai….
G-d: And remember Moshe, in the laws of keeping Kosher, never cook a calf in its mother’s milk. It is cruel.
Moshe: Ohhhhhh! So you are saying we should never eat milk and meat together.
G-d: No, what I’m saying is, never cook a calf in its mother’s milk.
Moshe: Oh, Lord forgive my ignorance! What you are really saying is we should wait six hours after eating meat to drink milk so the two are not in our stomachs.
G-d: No, Moses, what I’m saying is, don’t cook a calf in its mother’s milk!!!
Moshe: Oh, Lord! Please don’t strike me down for my stupidity! What you mean is we should have a separate set of dishes for milk and a separate set for meat and if we make a mistake we have to bury that dish in the dirt outside…
G-d: Ho Moses, do whatever the hell you want….