My Big Sister Sarah

Update: My daughter Roz Rekztolp sent me another picture of Sarah, which I’ve added below. 1970’s, taken by our brother David during his B&W period.

I’m not yet ready to write more TPH pieces, but I thought I’d share what I wrote about my sister Sarah, based on what I said at the funeral.

As for the attached pictures, the top black and white picture shows the Greenwald family in 1955, left to right: David (10), Lillian holding me (16 mos), Miriam (6), Morton, and Sarah (8); the bottom picture is about 1951, with David 3rd from the left, Miriam 4th from the left, and Sarah on the end with her eyepatch.

The pictures in color are from my wedding in 1977, one just of Sarah (maid of honor) and me, and one of the Greenwalds plus Rich: l to r, Morton, Lillian, Rich, David, Irene, Sarah, and Miriam.

Irene

                         My Big Sister, Sarah Martha Brennan, nee Greenwald

                                          January 8, 1947 – May 2, 2024

We were four siblings: First David, then Sarah, then Miriam, and finally me. With David’s passing last September and Sarah’s 2 weeks ago, we are now two, with many memories. Sarah was my big sister. Seven years older than me. She was tall (in our family 5’5” is tall), and I was not. We were both left-handed and good at school stuff.  We both intended to become elementary school teachers. She did. I didn’t.  She was a good one. She taught me to multiply when I was 6.

My mother told me a lot of stories about Sarah as a small child. When she was 2 and a new baby, Miriam, came along, she was so miffed she stopped talking to her mother, to Mama’s dismay. (It passed.) And Sarah was always conscious of her creature comforts, from a very early age. She used to put her potty on the radiator to get it nice and warm.

At age 3, her far-sightedness was discovered, and she had to wear glasses. That was okay. But when she had to wear an eye patch because of lazy eye, she so disliked how that looked that she later cut her face out of all the snapshots that showed her with the patch. Almost all. I have one that she missed, included here. 

Sarah was a conscientious and successful student, often doing a lot more than the assignment called for. She graduated first in her class at Bartram HS in West Philly, winning a full-tuition scholarship to Penn. She majored in elementary ed and also developed a fondness for Spanish (I remember “El Diario La Prensa informa!” commercials on her car radio.), Italian, and Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass. I also remember her coming home with wet chlorinated hair, because it took her until junior year to pass Penn’s swimming requirement (we’re not an athletic family).  And she tried out an early version of computer dating; unfortunately, she was matched with her older brother David. That would not have worked out even if they hadn’t been siblings. Trust me.

Sarah enjoyed having me as a little sister (Miriam was only two years younger than her, so their relationship was different.), except when I scribbled my name in her copy of Winnie-the-Pooh. (I still have the book, still signed “Irene G.”) She took me to Boston to look at colleges and introduced me to tea with milk. For a high school graduation present, Sarah took me to New York to the Russian Tea Room and a Broadway show, The Boy Friend. I think Sarah was the most sensible and “normal” of the four of us. She gave me good advice on several occasions, which I regret I didn’t take.

Sarah was inherently orderly and detail oriented. When I had to move into her bedroom, I was afraid to take a book off the shelf, lest I put it back in the wrong place. But she liked having me there, between her and the window, keeping the draft off.

After teaching at a few elementary schools, Sarah realized that, with her orderliness and analytical abilities, she would fit better into the role of paralegal, specifically, in estate administration. That’s how she happily spent the rest of her career.

It was during her transition from elementary ed to estate administration that she met Bob Brennan in a marketing class. After a few years of friendship, love blossomed. They were married for almost 45 years.

Also, shelter animals became a large part of her life, both as a pet mommy (usually to one dog and two cats) and a volunteer at Bingo’s Foundation, a Bucks County cat shelter. The only pets we had as children were the occasional goldfish, so cats and dogs were a big step up. 

Sarah’s later years were unfortunately limited by the progression of Parkinson’s Disease. During the last several months, she was particularly concerned about her memory and other mental issues. She finally got an appointment with someone at Penn – for August.

So many people and animals will remember Sarah for her kindness and love. I will too, and I will always miss her.

Acharei Mot link

My sister, Sarah Brennan, passed away yesterday at her home in Bensalem, PA. She was my big sister. I know I will be imparting some “Sarah stories” in these missive as time goes by.  

For a while, TBD, you’ll have to make due totally with TPH reruns.  You can browse at https://igplotzk.wordpress.com

by going to the righthand column and typing the portion name (or any other search term) in the search box.

For this week’s portion, Acharei Mot, you might want to look at this one:

Acharei Mot (Leviticus 16:1 – 18:30)

Shabbat shalom and zei gezunt,

Irene

Shabbat Chol HaMoed Pesach, 7th & 8th days of Pesach

Once more: Passover (Pesach) lasts eight days, seven if you’re Reform or live in Israel. The dietary restrictions are in place the whole time. Also, on the second night, we started “counting the Omer,” (Sefirat HaOmer), which we will do daily for a total of 49 days, until the holiday of Shavuot.  This commemorates the Temple offerings of an “omer” of grain as commanded in Leviticus 23:15–16, which was in the 2^nd day Torah reading.  To help you keep track, there are online Omer counters such as The Homer Calendar (favored by my husband) as well as apps like Chabad’s Omer Counter.

The Sabbath in the middle of Pesach (i.e., not the 1^st, 2^nd, 7^th, or 8^th day) is called Shabbat Chol HaMoed Pesach and it has its own Torah and haftarah readings, as do the 7^th and 8^th days.  Here is your crib sheet:

April 27, Shabbat Chol HaMoed Pesach	Exodus 33:12 – 34:26   Moses sees the back of God then carves two more tablets. Renewal of the covenant. Brief texts re:  Sabbath, holidays, boiling a kid in its mother’s milk.	Num. 28:19-25   Holiday sacrifices. Same as first two days minus v. 16-18.	Ezekiel 36:37 – 37:14 [or 37:1-14] Valley of the dry bones vision. Resurrection imagery.
April 29, 7th day Pesach	Exodus 13:17-15:26  The splitting of the Re(e)d Sea, the Song at the Sea.	Num. 28:19-25   Ditto	II Samuel 22:1-51, David’s song of thanks for rescue from Saul et al. Also the Haftarah for Ha’azinu in the fall. Contains Psalm 18.
April 30, 8th day Pesach	Deuteronomy 15:19-16:17   Consecration of the first born. Holidays: Passover, Shavuot, Sukkot.	Num. 28:19-25   Double ditto	Isaiah 10:32 – 12:6   Messianic vision, which we’ve been leading up to since Shabbat Shekalim seven weeks ago.

It’s a pity that the holiday is often overlooked after its first day or two. There is a lot of good stuff in the assigned readings besides the usual texts about sacrifices that we read on other holidays as well; for instance, the first scroll reading for the eighth day is also read on Shemini Atzeret and second day of Shavuot. If you step back, you see how the Passover readings progress from the first Passover and the Exodus on the first day (Exodus 12:21-51) up to the redemption of the messianic age on the eighth (Isaiah 10:32 – 12:6). In between, we read about the renewal of the covenant after the Golden Calf incident; Ezekiel’s vision of the valley of dry bones, teaching that physical resurrection is worthless without spiritual resurrection; and the splitting of the Red (better, Reed) Sea, accompanied by a joyous song, the Song at the Sea (Exodus 15:1-21).

There is a lot of singing on these latter days of the holiday, on the 7^th day, the Song at the Sea and David’s song of thanks and, on Shabbat Chol HaMoed Pesach, the Song of Songs (Shir HaShirim), also known as The Song of Solomon. It is chanted using a melody that is also used for Ruth on Shavuot and Ecclesiastes on Sukkot.

This time of year, as spring seems to come and go, I think of Chapter 2, verses 11-12:

¹¹For lo, the winter is past,
The rain is over and gone.
¹² The flowers appear on the earth;
The time of singing has come,
And the voice of the turtle*
Is heard in our land.

*Turtle is an archaic word for turtledove.

Yes, that translation is from one of the King James versions. It’s beautiful and scans nicely. In 2001, I received a copy of The Song of Songs: A New Translation by Ariel Bloch and Chana Bloch (paperback). At a seminar, one of the authors related the difficulties in translating accurately without hurting either the poetry or the lyrical eroticism. There are dozens and dozens of and musical compositions based on verses from the Song of Songs, written from the 12^th century to the 21^st. I know some of them, but I have just scratched the surface. So far.

Shabbat shalom, chag sameach, and zei gezunt,

Irene

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aish.com, Jewlarious

A little boy once returned home from Hebrew school and his father asked, “What did you learn today?”

He answered, “The Rabbi told us how Moses led the children of Israel out of Egypt.”

“How?”

The boy said “Moses was a big strong man and he beat Pharaoh up. Then while he was down, he got all the people together and ran towards the sea. When he got there, he has the Corps of Engineers build a huge pontoon bridge. Once they got on the other side, they blew up the bridge while the Egyptians were trying to cross.”

The father was shocked. “Is that what the Rabbi taught you?”

The boy replied, “No. But you’d never believe the story he DID tell us!”

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A Simpsons Exodus (Last sent out in 2019.)

This is an excerpt of a “Simpsons” episode, “Simpsons Bible Stories,” written by Tim Long, Larry Doyle, and Matt Selman that aired on April 4, 1999, a version of the Exodus with Milhouse as Moses and Principal Skinner as Pharaoh. At this point, Moses/Milhouse and Lisa have been imprisoned in a pyramid by Chief Wiggum.

 Milhouse and Lisa climb the spikes, like a ladder, until they reach the top of the pyramid. They remove the capstone and slide down the side, blowing a rams’ horn.

“Our time has come!” Milhouse shouts. “Follow me to freedom!”

Meanwhile, Bart is chiseling “I will not deface,” as a rebus, into the blackboard. He hears the commotion and runs outside.

Wiggum runs into Skinner’s chamber to tell him the children of Israel are escaping. Skinner is unconcerned until he is reminded that this would leave him without a labor force.

 Meanwhile, the children have reached the shore of the Red Sea.

Lisa:           Oh, we’ll never be able to swim that far.
[Skinner and his army of chariots appear on the horizon]

Bart:           Oy, caramba!

Milhouse: [throws down his staff] Screw this; I’m converting. [to the sky] Save us, o mighty Ra!

Lisa:           Hey, cut that out! I have an idea.
[shortly later, as clouds gather, the children are lined up at the latrines]
Okay, Moses — lead your people.

Milhouse:   Flush!
[the children do so, in unison. The Red Sea is soon drained]
It’s a miracle! I performed a miracle! I’m a genius!

Lisa exhorts everyone to cross. Skinner sees what has happened and commands his troops into the “temporarily dry sea.”  As soon as they are part of the way across, the water returns, swamping them all. The men surface and begin horsing around like kids in a pool. Lou complains that Eddie is splashing him, but Wiggum just tells him to splash Eddie back.
Safely on the other side of the sea, the children cheer.

Milhouse:   Well, Lisa, we’re out of Egypt. So, what’s next for the Israelites? Land of milk and honey?

Lisa: [consulting a scroll] Hmm, well, actually it looks like we’re in for forty years of wandering the desert.

Milhouse: Forty years? But after that, it’s clear sailing for the Jews, right?

Lisa: [nervously] Uh-huh-hum, more or less — hey, is that manna? [the children cheer and run off into the distance]

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https://upjoke.com/counting-jokes

Counting Jokes

• When counting down, I can’t stand negative numbers.
  I stop at nothing to avoid them.
• A retired boxer goes to see his doctor because he’s having trouble sleeping. “Have you tried counting sheep?” the doctor asks.
  “I tried,” the boxer explains, “but every time I get to the number nine, I stand up.”
• I’ve been counting calories.
  I’m trying to beat my high score.
• Counting binary numbers
  is as easy as 01 10 11.
• “Clever Hans” was a horse that could count. But you know what’s more impressive than a counting horse?
  …a spelling bee.

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https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/spring-quotes

Quotes about Spring

• O, wind, if winter comes, can spring be far behind? Percy Bysshe Shelley
• Behold, my friends, the spring is come; the earth has gladly received the embraces of the sun, and we shall soon see the results of their love! Sitting Bull
• Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s party!’ Robin Williams
• In the Spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours. Mark Twain
• The day the Lord created hope was probably the same day he created Spring. Bernard Williams
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First Two Days of Pesach

Another Peach (Passover) with a partially Zoomed seder. In person: Rich, our chef extraordinaire; my sister; and a non-related guest. On Zoom: our son and daughter-in-law from Pittsburgh and, depending on the efficacy of the connection, my other sister from suburban Philadelphia. Our daughter will be attending a seder in California in person. In terms of connection, though not content, this is quite different from the seder at which Rich was introduced to my family, just as a college friend who needed a seder to go to. There were 22 of us from 4 generations, plus Rich. Luckily, there were also four little cousins present, aged 5 and under, who drew attention away from him. Before Rich came, he realized he only had enough cash for either a haircut or a box of candy for my mother. His father’s advice: candy. After the seder, I asked my mother what she thought, and she expressed her approval, except that he needed a haircut. I told her he’d used his haircut money for the candy for her. She appreciated that.

I doubt many of you are thinking about the Torah and haftarah readings for the first two days, but here they are.

April 23, 1st day Pesach	Exodus 12:21-51 The first Passover, the Exodus, and laws for future Passovers (duh).	Numbers 28:16-25  The Passover sacrifice (also duh).	Joshua 5:2-6:1, 27 [or 3:5-7; 5:2–6:1, 27] Circumcision of the males who were born in the wilderness.
April 24, 2nd day Pesach	Leviticus 22:26-23:44 The holidays (“set times”).	Numbers 28:16-25 Same as the first day.	II Kings 23:1-25 or 23:1-9, 21-25] King Josiah’s religious revival.

I assume if you are reading this that you are reasonably familiar with the story of the first Passover (Pesach) and the Exodus. If not, you can either read the first 13 chapters of the Book of Exodus or (re)read my first three TPH’s for 2024: Shemot (Exodus 1:1 – 6:1), Va’era (Exodus 6:2-9:35), and Bo (Exodus 10:1 – 13:16).

Here are some random thoughts on the holiday. If you’d rather read my personal reminiscences, check out the 2016 TPH for the beginning of Pesach.

1. The holiday lasts seven (Reform or in Israel) or eight (Conservative and Orthodox outside of Israel) days. Dietary restrictions hold throughout.
2. The word “Passover” refers to the Angel of Death passing over (get it?) the homes of the Israelites while smiting the Egyptian firstborn. It was coined by William Tyndale in 1530 when he was translating the Bible into English. The word “paschal,” pertaining to Passover or Easter, which came into use in the early 15^th century, derives from the Hebrew “Pesach” via Aramaic, Greek, Late Latin, and Old French.
3. Scholars used to try to show how the Last Supper was a Passover seder. It wasn’t. The seder and Haggadah (the booklet used during the seder) as we know them didn’t really take shape until after the Temple was destroyed in 70 C.E., thus well after the Last Supper. Instead, scholars have come to focus on scholarly attention has focused on “varying attempts of Jewish parties, notably rabbis and Christians, to provide religious meaning and sanctity to the Passover celebration after the death of Jesus and the destruction of the Temple. (Joshua Kulp, “THE ORIGINS OF THE SEDER AND HAGGADAH,” Currents in Biblical Research 4.1 (2005) 109-134).
4. The Haggadah contains the parts of the seder in a prescribed order (rhyming, so they are easy to remember). I have one, the Polychrome Historical Haggadah, that shows the origin of the various texts through color coding. Seven colors. Haggadahs vary widely in composition and slant, depending on Jewish denomination, politics, popular entertainment (like The (unofficial) Hogwarts Haggadah for Harry Potter fans), and so on. See more at https://www.ifitshipitshere.com/the-ten-quirkiest-passover-haggadot/ .
5. Some contain exquisite illumination. Geraldine Brooks wrote a historical novel, People of the Book, which focuses on “imagined events surrounding the protagonist and real historical past of the still extant Sarajevo Haggadah, one of the oldest surviving Jewish illuminated texts.^[1]” Interestingly, wine stains and matzah crumbs enhance the value of antique haggadahs.
6. Remember model seders in Hebrew School? These were intended to teach the students how to participate in, even lead, a seder. My mother told me that many in her generation had less ritual knowledge than their (largely immigrant parents), so it was hoped that their children would learn enough to lead the seder themselves.
7. I like matzah, especially with cheese melted on top.

It’s a little more difficult this year, but try to have a zissen Pesach (sweet Passover) and chag sameach (happy holiday).

Irene

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From the New Yorker

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https://www.bangitout.com/passover-jokes-full-list-bring-to-your-seder/#google_vignette

Passover Jokes

• Man hands a blind man a piece of matzah. Blind man: “Who wrote this crap?”
• What army base is off limits on Passover? Fort Leavenworth
• An Egyptian task master fell down a wishing well, The Jewish slave was amazed, “I never knew they worked.”
• What make a great Seder like a piece of matza?   They both should take less than 18 minutes! (Matza has to, but seders can go on and on and on and…)
• What kind of shoes did the Egyptians where during the plague of Frogs? Open toad!
• What do you call someone who derives pleasure from the bread of affliction?  A matzochist.
• How many cups of wine does it take to screw in a light bulb?  Enough to realize the room is spinning, not the bulb
• How many Pharoahs does it take to screw in a light bulb?   One, but he won’t let it go.

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Bangitout Seder Sidekick 2015

Top 10 Signs Your Seder might be Awesome!

10. 4 words: “Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Haggada”
9. Charlie Sheen is attending and will perform a paragraph entitled “The Warlock Son”
8. You skip straight to the meal: That’ll get’em asking questions
7. Hagaddah now has an improvisational part about Rabbi Akiva, R’ Tarfon and R’ Eliezer pulling an all-nighter…in Vegas
6. Top Chef: Charoset Quick-Fire challenge
5. Your neighbor is bringing live frogs
4. The handmade matzah your stoner brother made smells “special”
3. Make your own Afikomen Ice Cream sundaes! (cue the Kosher for Passover Marshmallow toppings)
2. Edible Haggadahs
1.   One cat, one baby goat, one cage

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Metzora (Lev. 14:1 – 15:33), Shabbat HaGadol

This week: Ritual impurity and re-integration, houses infected by tzara’at, and preparing for Pesach (Passover).

Last week, we learned about the diagnosis and quarantine of a metzora, i.e., one who is afflicted with tzara’at. This week, Parashat Metzora begins with the elaborate purification ritual for a metzora. The first step is slaughtering a bird; dipping the live bird into the blood along with cedar wood, crimson stuff (a dye extracted from a particular type of worm), and hyssop; sprinkling the blood on the one to be purified; and freeing the remaining live bird.

But wait – there’s more. The ones being purified must wash their clothes, shave off all hair, and bathe in water. That only allows admittance to the camp, but not one’s tent for seven more days.

But wait – there’s (even) more. On the seventh day, there’s another shave – head, eyebrows, and beard (if any) – followed by more laundering and bathing. Finally pure!

Of course (I said it was an elaborate ritual), this has to be followed by sacrifices on the eighth day – elevation offering, guilt offering, sin offering, meal offering, burnt offering – and various daubings and sprinklings of blood and oil.

Then we have the strange case of tzara’at of a house, a “plague” of greenish or reddish streaks that appear to go into the wall. Mold? Fungus? Unknown. This calls for scraping and replacing the affected stones and replastering. The house can then be purified using birds, blood, cedar wood, etc., and rinsing with fresh water. But if the plague has spread, the house may have to be destroyed.

Finally, we learn about ritual impurity caused by normal and abnormal genital discharges. Purification involves washing clothes and immersion in water.

What determines what causes this ritual impurity? It’s not pathology, since healthy, even desired, emissions are included. It’s not because they are messy or gross, since things like runny noses, vomiting, incontinence, and the like are not included. This concerns only genital emissions. Is this a demonstration of ancient prudery? No. It is a recognition that we’re dealing with matters that touch on both the generation of life and death, profound matters that are simultaneously earthly and close to the divine. I have written here (2022), “Recall that the main public effect of tumah (ritual impurity) is that the person can’t take part in the sacrificial rites of the tabernacle (later, the Temple). Once the Second Temple was destroyed, that was moot. The ongoing effect, then, concerns sexual relations. While some men do immerse in a mikvah today (e.g., before Shabbat, Yom Kippur, and/or marriage), the focus is on women, who are supposed to immerse before marriage, a prescribed number of ‘clean’ days after her menstrual period, and after childbirth. The mikvah is also part of the process of converting to Judaism. Today, some women may immerse in the mikvah to mark the death of a loved one, divorce, after a miscarriage, while seeking cancer treatment, following rape or sexual abuse, and other both positive and negative life experiences.”

Purity systems are not meaningless. They are a means of setting clear boundaries to define and protect a social order. Rabbi Leonard A. Sharzer, MD (associate director for bioethics of the Finkelstein Institute for Religious and Social Studies, Jewish Theological Seminary) in “Metzora: Disease or Dis-ease?” that “Parashat Metzora is about boundaries—boundaries of personhood and of bodily integrity—and the breaching of those boundaries with its attendant disruption and dislocation in the body politic…Parashat Metzora is less about separation, and more about reentry and reintegration.” There is a clearly defined end to the metzora‘s isolation and accompanying stigma, facilitated by the priest and accepted by the community. It would be great if we too had some type of ritual for those whom we’ve stigmatized (mentally or emotionally ill, homeless, AIDS victims, and so on), formally welcoming them back into our community. Of course, not stigmatizing them in the first place would be even better.

This Shabbat, right before Pesach, is Shabbat HaGadol, the Great Sabbath. There is no second scroll Torah reading. There is a special haftarah, Malachi 3:4-24, which prophesies that the reconciliation between parents and children will bring about the messianic age.  This Sabbath used to be one of only two during the year on which the rabbi gave a sermon (quick, what’s the other one?); this one concerned the laws of Pesach and tended to be long. One focus is the need to get rid of chametz.  This is known to trigger some really compulsive, over-reactive cleaning. There are actually guides on the web now to keep this under control while fulfilling the actual requirements to remove chametz.

Shabbat shalom and zei gezunt,
Irene

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There’s a Shark in the Mikvah!: A light-hearted look at Jewish women’s dunking experiences…(Kindle Edition)

by Penny Thau, Naava Swirsky (Note: kallah means bride)

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http://www.fungi.lv/Fungi_Jokes.htm [dead link]

Fungus Jokes

Q: Why did the mushroom go to the party?
A: Because he was a fungi.
Q: Why did he leave?
A: Because there wasn’t mushroom.

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https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/rehabilitation-quotes

Rehabilitation Quotes

• Redemption and rehabilitation for formerly incarcerated individuals is best achieved when they are able to reintegrate back into the community as productive members. Alex Padilla
• The road to sobriety is not easy and rehabilitation and the recovery process are not to be taken lightly. Drew Pinsky
• Many years ago, when I was working on Broadway, I used to go to a drug rehabilitation centre on Sundays. I didn’t lecture them against the perils of drug-taking; I gave them drama therapy. Diana Rigg
• Sometimes it takes dealing with a disability – the trauma, the relearning, the months of rehabilitation therapy – to uncover our true abilities and how we can put them to work for us in ways we may have never imagined. Tammy Duckworth
• I do marvel at what life puts in your path. It’s always the unexpected. But I am lucky to be surrounded by very positive people and during my rehabilitation from the haemorrhage that helped very much. Judith Durham

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http://www.harryc.com/j-jokes05-rabbi-b.htm (dead link)

Sermon

A rabbi delivers a sermon of monumental depth and pith that lasted nearly one hour. As soon as he finishes, the president walks up to him and tells him that, since he is a newspaper editor, he could assure that the sermon would make it into print. However, he would have to reduce it into the written equivalent of half the time that it took to deliver.

“No problem” says the rabbi. “I’ll reduce it to fit.”… and he does.

The article appears and another member of the Shul Board, who is a TV producer, invites the rabbi to deliver it on the air… BUT… he had only a five-minute spot. “No problem” says the rabbi. “I can reduce it to fit the time slot.”… and he does.

At the end of the TV show, the producer says to the rabbi “that was a wonderful sermon. Beautifully written and delivered but tell me something, please. If you could reduce it to fit the article and the TV spot… why, the heck, did you waste 55 minutes of our precious Shabbat sleep time?”

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Tazria (Leviticus 12:1 – 13:59)

“Eeeewww, gross!” is the usual, visceral reaction to this section of Leviticus. Tazria is usually read with next week’s portion, Metzora, which condenses their yuckiness factor into one reading.  On the other hand, maybe it’s less distasteful to read a smaller portion each week. Actually, the text lends itself nicely to divrei Torah on some interesting, non-yucky topics: considerations of life and death, male and female, purity and impurity, divinity and earthiness; boundaries; “uncleanness” of a person (say, a child who doesn’t “fit” with a peer group) or a group (Syrian refugees, Republicans, Democrats…). But this year, I’m going to be more literal.

Tazria first addresses purification after childbirth. Interestingly, though the offerings brought by the woman are the same whether she gave birth to a boy or a girl, the period of impurity is twice as long for a girl as a boy. I’ve written about this section previously (https://igplotzk.wordpress.com/2014/03/27/comments-on-leviticus-12-1997/), specifically, how childbirth brings together considerations of life and death, male and female, purity and impurity, divinity and earthiness.

The rest of Tazria concerns a skin affliction called tzara’at, which is often mistranslated as “leprosy” (Hansen’s disease). It is not certain what it is, but it is not Hansen’s disease. It is generally considered to be a punishment for slander, in accord with Miriam’s experience (Numbers 12 and Deuteronomy 24.9). Tzara’at must be diagnosed by a priest, and the Torah gives a detailed description of how he is to do this. We also read about tzara’at occurring as red or green streaks on cloth or leather; it’s unclear what these are. The conflation of priestly and medical roles was common in the ancient world. But here the priest does not treat the condition. He examines, diagnoses, and isolates. It’s all very clinical.

In fact, while there is recognition that something bad triggered the affliction, being impure is not a sin in and of itself. Maimonides was of the opinion that the several types of ritual impurity served to limit access to the sanctuary (later, Temple), thereby protecting its sanctity.  As R. Jack Abramowitz observed in The God Papers. 56. Ritual Purity and Impurity, there were so many ways to contract impurity that at any given moment, there were probably only a small proportion of people who were able to go into the sanctuary. This reinforced the idea that the sanctuary was something holy, i.e., set apart as special.

(The above comments are mainly from 2016 and 2017.)

Next week, in Parashat Metzora, we will see how a metzora, a person stricken with tzara’at, is re-integrated into the society.

You may have noticed that, unlike four recent weeks, this is not a “special” Shabbat. There is no extra Torah reading, nor a special haftarah. But next week is Shabbat HaGadol, and only a few days after that is the first Pesach seder. I’m sure we all have lots of cleaning left to do. At least, I do.

Shabbat shalom and zei gezunt,
Irene

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Jokes about Cleaning (jokesquotesfactory.com)

• When I say, ‘I cleaned my room,’ I usually mean, I made a path from my door to my bed.
• A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.
• My house was clean yesterday. Sorry you missed it!
• Both of us can’t look good at the same time, it’s me or the house.
• Dear small line of dirt that won’t go into the dustpan, I hate you with every part of my soul. (YES!! IGP)
• Our house is clean enough to be healthy, and dirty enough to be happy.

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rd.com, jokes/doctor

Doctor jokes

• Feeling ill, my supervisor went to a nearby doctor, who ordered an EKG. Upon reading the results, the doctor declared that my boss was suffering a cardiac arrest and called an ambulance to whisk him off to the hospital. There, doctors performed their own tests. But those came back negative. After some quick sleuthing, the problem was solved: The first doctor had read the EKG upside down. —Suzanne Clarke
• I was in the emergency room when a young male nurse came in to ask routine medical questions.
  Nurse: Have you ever had a hysterectomy?
  Me: Yes.
  Nurse: When?
  Me: 2011.
  Nurse: Do you think you could be pregnant?
  Me: Do you think this is the right career for you?
• ER DOCTOR: So, what brings you here?
  PATIENT: An ambulance! What do you think?! (Credit Best Life)
• My paramedic team was called to an emergency. Before we took the patient to the hospital, I had a question for his wife. “Does your husband have any cardiac problems?” I asked.
   “Yes,” she said with a note of concern. “His cardiologist just died.”   —Aaron Webster

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From mombloglife.com

Childbirth is Where Things Get Real: (5 of) 16 of the Funniest Things Said by Parents While Vulnerable and Exhausted

December 15, 2023

• Babies don’t always want to come out without force and must be pulled out with forceps. A mother who had never seen forceps thought they were kitchen tongs.
  A user shared their mother’s experience with the contentious instrument. She shouted, “Those are salad tongs! You are not putting any godda*n kitchenware in there!”
• A mom in her daughter’s delivery room was given the weirdest news of her life: she wouldn’t understand what was happening.
  The daughter said, “You have no idea what this is like.”
  Umm … Mom knows, that’s why she’s “Mom.”
• Face down is the most common and normal way for babies to be born. One dad didn’t know this and was mortified when his baby came out, and all he saw was all head.
  He shouted, “OH MY GOD, SHE DOESN’T HAVE A FACE!”
  Don’t miss the birth classes next time, Mike.
• Episiotomy is one of the things some vaginal births give you, and there’s quite some stitching afterward.
  One woman thought the stitching was taking too long and asked the nurse, “What the hell? Are you guys weaving a friendship bracelet down there?!”
  It lightened the tense room for a minute.
• Meds briefly mess up with your mind during labor, and one woman’s reaction was straight out of a comedy club.
  She narrates, “I had a c-section and was pretty out of it. When they held up my daughter and said, ‘Here’s your baby!’ I responded, ‘That’s not mine, I’ve never seen it before in my life. Take it to lost and found.’”
  She wasn’t all wrong; she had never seen it before.

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boredpanda.com, gossip-jokes

(6 of) 97 Gossip Jokes That Are Better Than Gossiping Itself

• “I don’t repeat gossip, so listen carefully the first time.”
• “Don’t worry, your secret is safe with me. Everyone I told swore they wouldn’t tell anyone.”
• A boss told his secretaries to stop gossiping and get back to work. One replied, “We’re not gossiping we’re networking.”
• That feeling when you are finally old enough to listen in on the family gossip and everything starts to make sense.
• The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does.
• “I know I should mind my own business but it’s not as interesting as yours.”

Shemini (Lev. 9:1 – 11:47), Shabbat HaChodesh (Exod. 12:1 – 20)

This week: A triumphantly spectacular ordination. Disaster and silence. Kosher and unkosher animals. Finally, special readings for Shabbat HaChodesh.

On the eighth day (bayom hashemini, whence the name “Shemini” for this portion) of the ordination ceremonies, Aaron takes up his duties as High Priest, assisted by his sons. He does everything perfectly, precisely following the instructions for four types of offerings (sin, burnt, well-being, meal), including all the details concerning the blood, fat, kidneys, etc. Aaron blesses the people. He and Moses then enter the Holy of Holies, emerge, and together bless the people. Then fire comes down from heaven and consumes what is on the altar. A spectacular finish. The people are awed.

Then disaster strikes. Aaron’s two oldest sons, Nadav and Avihu breach protocol. They take their own firepans and incense and offer “alien fire.” Fire again comes down from heaven, this time striking the two men, killing them.

We are not told how the people react. Moses tells his brother (10:3), “This is what the Lord meant when He said: through those near to Me I show Myself holy and gain glory before all the people.” Aaron is silent. The bodies are quietly buried outside the camp. There is no public mourning.

There have been various commentaries about the behavior of Nadav and Avihu, whether they were overcome with ecstasy, jealous of Aaron, or drunk. Support for the last comes from the warning that follows in the text (10:9), “Drink no wine or other intoxicant, you or your sons, when you enter the Tent of Meeting, that you may not die.”

Aaron’s silence also inspires comment. He has just lost two sons. How can he just stand there? The simplest reading is that he is stunned into silence, especially after Moses reminds Aaron of the importance of honoring the Lord through these very public, highly choreographed ceremonies. No matter the reason, his sons were out of line, and as priests they were held to a particularly stringent standard. If nothing happened to them, why shouldn’t the people take liberties with the Lord’s commands?

We gain additional insight by considering the word used for “and was silent,” vayidom. Don Isaac Abravanel (1437-1508) links it to the word for mineral, domem, writing, “his heart turned to lifeless stone, and he did not weep and mourn like a bereaved father, nor did he accept Moses’ consolation for his soul had left him and he was speechless.” (Nechama Leibowitz, Studies in Vayikra, p. 133) However, Professor Baruch A. Levine (1930-2021) suggests that the root of vayidom, d-m-m can also be translated as “mourned.” Nachmanides’ (1194-1270) explanation of Aaron’s reaction fits between the two, that Aaron actually does wail at first, then becomes silent. Some translate the root d-m-m as “be patient.”

R. Eliezer Lipman Lichtenstein points out (Ibid., pp. 133-4) the conscious choice of vayidom over a more common synonym for silence, vayishtok. The latter simply indicates “the abstention from speaking, weeping, moaning or any other outward … The verb domem however, connotes inner peace and calm…Accordingly Scripture describes the saintly Aaron as vayidom and not merely as vayishtok, thus emphasizing that his heart and soul were at peace within, that rather than questioning the standards of God, he justified the Divine verdict.” Psalm 37:7 and Lamentations 3:28 each support this interpretation of the word, teaching that we should never allow tragedy to completely rule over us.

From language to food. The rest of Shemini concerns what creatures are kosher (fit) and unkosher and some discussion of ritual contamination. Some descriptions are reasonably: animals that chew the cud and have split hooves are allowed (cows yes, rabbits, no), as are fish that have fins and scales (no lobster), very few insects, and a lengthy list of birds, though some of those are of uncertain current identity. The overarching reason for these rules: “For I the Lord am He who brought you up from the land of Egypt to be your God: you shall be holy, for I am holy.” (11:45) Health is not the motivation; many people enjoyed unkosher species even in ancient days, and kosher animals can also be poisonous, especially meat left out in the heat. Concepts of wholeness and holiness as guides for choosing what animals are fit to eat are addressed in Purity and Danger by Mary T. Douglas and other references, which I have discussed here before, e.g., in Shemini 2016 and Re’eh 2017, so check those out if that is what you are really interested in this week.

We have come to the fourth and final special Sabbath before Passover, Shabbat HaChodesh, Sabbath of THE Month, i.e., the month of Nisan. The second scroll reading, Exodus 12:1-20, in a dramatic pause before the tenth plague, contains instructions for the first Passover and future observances. The special haftarah (Ezekiel 45:16-46:18, 45:18-46:13 for Sephardim) includes Ezekiel’s vision of Passover observance in messianic times. It details the sacrifices to be offered at the rebuilt Temple, analogous to the paschal lamb Moses commands the Israelites to offer in Exodus 12. Yes indeed, Passover is rapidly approaching. Less than three weeks to go!

Shabbat shalom and zei gezunt,
Irene

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https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/silence-quotes

Quotes about Silence

• In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends. Martin Luther King, Jr.
• Everything has its wonders, even darkness and silence, and I learn, whatever state I may be in, therein to be content. Helen Keller
• We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness. God is the friend of silence. See how nature – trees, flowers, grass- grows in silence; see the stars, the moon, and the sun, how they move in silence… We need silence to be able to touch souls. Mother Teresa
• We must take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented. Elie Wiesel
• The eternal silence of these infinite spaces frightens me. Blaise Pascal

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https://reformjudaism.org/blog/torah-haiku-shmini-2

The Torah in Haiku: Sh’mini

APRIL 1, 2016, ED NICKOW

Hasenpfeffer? Treif

But chocolate covered crickets?

Possibly kosher

(Probably not. Despite inclusion of “crickets” in the JPS translation of Leviticus 11:21-22, among insects only certain species of locusts are generally considered kosher. Not that I’d eat them anyway. One enterprising firm in Israel is hyping locusts as a good protein source. They are indeed eaten by Yemenite and North African Jews but pretty much eschewed (rather than chewed, ha ha) by European and American ones. IGP)

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Kosher Meat Shenanigans

I wrote in 2012: “How the laws of kashrut are followed or not can be a wonderful vehicle for studying the history of a Jewish community. I recently started reading Kosher Nation by Sue Fishkoff and was startled by the shenanigans surrounding kosher meat in the US in the first half of the 20th century: riots over suspected price fixing, racketeering and violence in the kosher poultry business, possible organized crime involvement, corruption, and scandal.

“Consider this little incident related on pp. 62-63: ‘In 1914, Barnett Baff, owner of several wholesale and retail poultry markets in New York, was suspected of price-fixing and of underselling his rivals. He was shot and killed on the street, as were two eyewitnesses to his murder who had offered to testify in court. One of Baff’s shooters later confessed that one hundred kosher poultry retailers in the city raised $4,200 to pay for the murders. Strong arm tactics prevailed for decades and turned particularly ugly…’ Turned particularly ugly?!! Kosher poultry retailers hiring hit men to do away with someone doesn’t count as ‘particularly ugly’?!! Sheesh. … I assume nowadays the only blood spilled in the industry is from animals.”

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(I found this in 2006 and can’t find a current link for it.)

The Newly Ordained Rabbi

A generation ago, the story was told of a newly ordained rabbi who is brought to speak before a congregation that is seeking to hire a new spiritual leader.
“What will you be talking about?” the president asks the rabbi as they walk to the synagogue.
“Sabbath observance,” the rabbi responds, “the need for Jews to make this day truly holy, without shopping, without spending money.”
“I wouldn’t do that,” the president warns. “The people here have very little free time; they must go shopping when they have the chance. Isn’t there something else you could speak about?”
“Kashrut, the Jewish dietary laws,” responds the rabbi.
“I wouldn’t get into that, Rabbi. Don’t you realize how difficult keeping kosher is out here? Kosher meat is much more expensive. Then each family has to keep two sets of dishes and silverware, and constantly worry that they don’t get mixed up. Can’t you speak about something else?”
“Okay,” the rabbi says, “I’ll speak about Jewish education, the need for day schools—”
“Are you crazy, Rabbi? The people here don’t want to segregate Jews from everybody else. Besides, day-school hours are so long, it won’t leave the kids any time for music lessons, dance classes, karate, basketball.”
“I don’t understand,” the rabbi says. “If I can’t speak about the Sabbath, about kashrut, about Jewish education, what do you want me to speak about?”
“Well,” the president replies, “speak about Judaism of course.

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Tzav (Lev. 6:1– 8:36), Shabbat Parah (Num. 19:1-22)

(Yes, this is a bit early. I’m taking a small holiday this week.)

This Shabbat is Shabbat Parah, the third of the four special Shabbatot leading up to Pesach (Passover). Shabbat Parah is named for the red heifer (parah adumah), which is the subject of the second scroll reading, Numbers 19:1-22.  A young, unyoked cow, unblemished, totally red-haired, is slaughtered and burned completely, along with cedar wood, hyssop, and crimson thread. The ashes are kept outside the camp. They are dispersed in water and sprinkled for ritual purification of those who had come into contact with a corpse. The special haftarah, Ezekiel 36:16-38, in contrast, emphasizes the spiritual purification of Israel on return from exile: “²⁶ And I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit into you: I will remove the heart of stone from your body and give you a heart of flesh; ²⁷and I will put My spirit into you.”

(2019, basically) This week: a coveted cleaning job, the “why” of sacrifices, and the ordination of Aaron and his sons. First, more on the olah, the burnt (totally) offering. After it burns overnight, only ashes remain. The priest, dressed in linen ritual garments, removes the ashes, placing them next to the altar. Then he changes into something more suitable for taking out the trash and takes the ashes outside the camp. This, according to the Mishnah, was a highly sought-after job, so much that, after a priest broke his leg when pushed by another racing to claim the honor, a formal rotation was set up (Yoma 3:1). It was even claimed in later commentaries that one priest had actually killed another in such a race (Reuven Hammer, A Year with the Sages: Wisdom on the Weekly Torah Portion (2019), p. 228).

In Parashat Tzav, we get more into the details associated with the various sacrifices. In the back of ArtScroll’s Stone edition of the Chumash (Five Books of the Torah), there are several pages of tables summarizing how, what, when, where, and by whom each type of sacrifice should be offered. You also learn where an animal is slaughtered; how blood is applied to the altar, where specifically, and how many times; and what happens to the meat: if it’s eaten, where, when, and by whom. After years of doing this, a priest would probably have internalized the details, but I think it would have been useful to have a condensed crib sheet nearby. Note that, while the Torah presents mechanics, the rabbis in the Mishnah are concerned with the priest’s intent during the process; wrong intent means invalid sacrifice.

Finally, Aaron and his sons are ordained by Moses in front of the assembled people. Moses washes Aaron and his sons with water, dresses Aaron in High Priest garb, sprinkles anointing oil on the Tabernacle and everything in it and the altar, and then on Aaron, and dresses Aaron’s sons. Then, Moses sacrifices a bull (sin offering), a ram (burnt offering), and a second ram (ordination offering). Other elements of the ordination involve blood dashing and dotting, unleavened bread, fat, and more anointing oil, detailed in the rest of Chapter 8. The ordination is not simply a celebration, but a period of expiation for Aaron and his sons as well (8:34). It takes seven days, during which Aaron and his sons remain on guard at the entrance to the Tent of Meeting.

One musical note (pun probably not intended): The slaughter of the second ram, the ram of ordination, is marked in the text by a shalshelet, a cantillation sign which occurs only four times in the Torah and is a sign of hesitation.  Is Moses hesitant about giving up the priestly duties? Or maybe he’s hesitant about giving them up to Aaron and his sons per se? We shall see if concern is justified.

Shabbat shalom and zei gezunt,
Irene

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http://volker.orcon.net.nz/Jokes/txt/WhyMenShouldNotBeOrdained.txt 
(Judaized. Dead link – I’ve sent this out a couple times before.

Ten reasons why men should not be ordained as rabbis

1. Men are too emotional. Their conduct at sporting events proves this. 
2. A man’s place is in the military. 
3. Some men are so handsome, they will distract female worshipers. 
4. Male physiology indicates that men are more suited to tasks like chopping down trees, unearthing rocks, and wrestling with wild animals. It would be “unnatural” for men to do other forms of work. 
5. In the Bible, the male Israelites persist in losing faith and disobeying God. Indeed, the phrase “Children of Israel” is more accurately translated “Sons of Israel.”  Their poor judgment and lack of faith represent the character of their gender. This justifies the subordinate position all men should take in matters of spiritual formation. 
6. Men are overly prone to violence. “Real” men prefer to settle disputes with immature displays of prowess and domination. Thus, they make poor role models and are dangerously unstable in positions of leadership. 
7. To be an ordained pulpit rabbi today is to nurture the congregation. Nurturing is not a traditional male role. Through all history, women have proven more skilled at nurturing and more naturally attracted to it. This makes women the obvious choice for ordination. 
8. In Genesis, man was created before woman, obviously as a prototype. Thus, men represent an experiment. Women represent the crowning achievement of creation, a more perfect image of God’s intent for humanity. 
9. For men who have children, the rabbinic duties may distract them from their responsibilities as fathers. 
10. Men can find meaningful and satisfying roles in synagogue activities without being ordained. They can still sweep sidewalks, repair the roof, and maybe even lead portions of worship services on Father’s Day. By embracing such traditional roles, they can still be vitally important in the life of the synagogue. 

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https://www.factretriever.com/redhead-facts

42   Fiery Redhead Facts (selected)

• During the witch hunts of the sixteenth and seventeenth centuries in Europe, many women were burned at the stake as witches merely because they had red hair.
• The ancient Greeks believed that redheads would turn into vampires after they died.
• According to legend, the first redhead was Prince Idon of Mu who, upon discovering Atlantis, was imprinted with the island’s stunning red sunset and leaves in the form of red hair and freckles so future generations would be reminded of Atlantis’ first sunset.
• Red hair is a recessive trait, which means that a child must inherit one red hair gene from each parent. Recessive traits often come in pairs, and redheads are more likely than other people to be left-handed.
• Scholars note that redheads have influenced history out of proportion to their numbers. Famous (reputed) redheads include Roman emperor Nero, Helen of Troy, Cleopatra, the ancient god of love Aphrodite, Queen Elizabeth I, Napoleon Bonaparte, Oliver Cromwell, Emily Dickinson, Antonio Vivaldi, Thomas Jefferson, Vincent Van Gogh, Mark Twain, James Joyce, Winston Churchill, Malcolm X, Galileo, and King David.
• In ancient Rome, redheaded slaves were often more expensive than those with other hair color.

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From 2014: Ashes: Shirley Temple and Marsha Mae Jones

Speaking of ashes – Because Shirley Temple died recently, Turner Classic Movies showed several of her movies last Sunday in her memory. There was also a clip of Marsha Mae Jones (1924-2007), who had co-starred with her in “Heidi” (as nice rich girl Klara, with Mary Nash as the nasty housekeeper) and then in “The Little Princess” (as mean rich girl Lavinia, with Mary Nash as the nasty headmistress). As the adult Marsha Mae recalled, the two girls had been very friendly during “Heidi,” so she didn’t want to be Lavinia. For her part, Shirley had no trouble adjusting. After a scene in which Shirley (as Sara Crewe) dumped a whole coal scuttle full of ashes on Lavinia’s head, the moppet asked the director, “Can we do that again?”

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jewishjournal.com, 7-haiku-parsha-tzav-priests-learn-love-meat-rick-lupert/

7 Haiku for Parsha Tzav (where the priests learn to love meat) by Rick Lupert

I  Before anything
clean the ashes up from the
altar. Day begins.

II Don’t forget to tip
your priest well. They can’t live on
all this meat alone.

III In case I wasn’t
clear last week, do not eat blood.
It just ain’t Kosher.

IV You know you’ve arrived
when your costume designer
is Moses himself.

V Not a good day to
be a bull. Oh, how complex
to welcome our priests.

VI Unleavened bread and
a ram’s thigh – recipe for
sanctification.

VII Seven days covered
in oil. Both a fantasy
and mandate from God.

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https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/details-quotes

Quotes about Details

Details create the big picture. Sanford I. Weill

The true secret of happiness lies in taking a genuine interest in all the details of daily life. William Morris

My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail and feeble mind. Albert Einstein

Never neglect details. When everyone’s mind is dulled or distracted the leader must be doubly vigilant. Colin Powell

I pick up the details that drive the organization insane. But sweating the details is more important than anything else. Indra Nooyi

Special Purim Edition 5784

Purim is a holiday based on the Book of Esther (aka Megillat Esther or just the Megillah), celebrating the victory of the Jews of the Persian Empire over those who wanted to wipe them out, a recurring theme in Jewish history. Just read it. It’s not that long and reads like a novel, which it may well be. Mordechai is the hero and the guardian of Esther, a nice Jewish girl who “passes” and marries the somewhat dim-witted Persian king, Achashveirosh (or Ahashuerus or… probably Xerxes), replacing his uppity wife Vashti, who had objected to coming to a royal banquet wearing the royal crown (and presumably nothing else). The villain is Haman, a courtier who wants to kill all the Jews because Mordechai wouldn’t bow down to him.

The book is chanted out loud, and it is customary to use noisemakers called groggers to blot out Haman’s name when it occurs. Other activities: eat hamantaschen. exchange food gifts (mishloach manot), have a festive meal, get drunk (safely), give to the poor, and dress up in costume. Here is a hamantaschen recipe: https://www.allrecipes.com/recipe/27201/easy-hamantaschen/ Drinking is required according to the Talmud, Tractate Megillah (7b): “Rava said: A person is obligated to drink on Purim until he does not know the difference between ‘cursed be Haman’ and ‘blessed be Mordechai.'” Children are not obligated to observe the laws, so they don’t have to get drunk.

(2003 comments, more or less) I am continually astounded at the sweetness-and-light version of the Book of Esther that is taught to children, and that even some adults still believe. For example, sarisim is often translated as “ministers” (as in, the king’s ministers), but it actually means “eunuchs.”  Did any of you ask what a eunuch was when you were old enough to read that? Or maybe you used the bowdlerized translation. (Now there’s a way to motivate kids to learn Hebrew – tell them they’ll get to read the really juicy stuff.) Most egregiously, Esther is presented as this sweet young thing chosen by the king in a beauty contest. Right. The king “tried out” the candidates for queen, one at a time, overnight, and afterwards they became part of his harem. This was after they had spent a year in training, learning, ahem, the ways of women. I don’t think this was limited to perfume and fashion. Think “Gigi” rather than “Cinderella.”  And Esther was encouraged to “pass” as a non-Jew, which, while providing for dramatic story twists, is hardly the example we want our children to emulate. This stuff isn’t for kids. I say, forbid attendance at the full Megillah reading by anyone under 13!

Purim Sameach*!

Irene

*happy

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https://jr.co.il/humor/purim53.htm

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Top Ten Uses for Leftover, Stale Hamantaschen

(oldie but goodie, written by IGP)

1. Disposable kippot (“yarmulkes,” for you old folks)
2. Scoop out the old filling and use as a cereal bowl
3. Earrings (mini-hamantaschen only)
4. Frisbees? Need to check aerodynamics*
5. Template for drawing Jewish stars in Hebrew school classes
6. Model for geometry lessons on triangles
7. New game like Jenga (sp? the one where you fit wooden rods together to form a tower until a rod makes it fall)
8. Layer for bottom of bird or small rodent cages (need to crumble first)
9. Use in pot pies: scoop out filling, fill with chicken and vegetables, cover with broken pieces of a second hamantaschen, and bake. For more interesting results, don’t bother to scoop out the original filling.
10. Use as teething ‘rings’ for babies. Also for kids who’ve just had their braces tightened and have ‘tingly teeth.’

*Local rabbinical decision based on actual test data: Doesn’t work. Try badminton instead.

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https://www.bangitout.com/top-alternative-endings-added-to-the-megillah-dvd

Top Alternative Endings Added to the Megillah DVD (selections)

• Esther clicks her ruby red shoes three times together and says, “there’s no place like Persia.”
• Esther and Mordechai are confronted by Jerry Springer to do their “Married Cousins Show.”
• Haman and his ten sons, on the way to being hanged, secretly replace themselves with the seven dwarves thereby making a Snow White sequel impossible.
• Achashvayrosh ends story with Broadway rendition of “Springtime for Haman.”
• Mordechai admits that Bigson and Teresh (Two men who plotted to assassinate the king and were exposed by Mordechai) were just practicing their recently perfected Klingon which sounds uncannily similar to Persian for “let’s kill the king.”
• Mordechai ends movie with infamous line “Frankly Esther, I don’t give a damn.”

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https://www.jpost.com/In-Jerusalem/PURIM-PARODY-This-Weak-Tourist-returns-stone-from-the-Western-Wall-583478#google_vignette

Another miracle cure

On the medical front, following the recent exclusive announcement in this paper that cancer has been vanquished (“We will offer a complete cure for cancer in a year’s time,” February 30) another dramatic breakthrough has been announced by Israeli medical science. 

Again, you read it here first. 

Obsessive–compulsive disorder, the debilitating mental disorder in which a person feels the need to perform certain routines repeatedly, is about to become a thing of the past. Israeli medical start-up NokItOffAlready has announced an OCD treatment that is so effective that 110% of patients report that they have been freed from their old compulsions. The treatment is so successful that they go back to do it again and again and again. And again.

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THE WORLD FAMOUS STORY OF PURIM

by Meish Goldish (passed along by Lex Vega, z”l, over 20 years ago, also at https://www.hebroots.org/hebrootsarchive/0103/010312_c.html and other sites)

The story of Purim is an international tale.

King Achashverosh was Finnish with his disobedient wife Vashti. “You Congo now!” he ordered her. After she had Ghana way, the king’s messengers went Roman the land to find a new queen. And India end, the beautiful Esther won the crown.

Meanwhile, Mordechai sat outside the palace, where the Chile Haman would Czech up on him daily.

“I Haiti you because you refuse to bow to me!” Haman scolded Mordechai. “USA very stubborn man. You Jews are such Bahamas! If you keep this up, Denmark my words! I will have all your people killed! Just Kuwait and see, you Turkey! “

Mordechai went into mourning and tore his clothes- a custom known as Korea. He urged Esther to plead with the king. The Jews fasted for three days and grew very Hungary.

Esther approached the king and asked, “Kenya Belize come to a banquet I’ve prepared for you and Haman?”

At the feast, she invited her guests to a second banquet to eat Samoa. The king asked, “Esther, why Jamaica big meal like this? Just tell me what you want. Unto half my United Kingdom will I give you.”

Esther replied, “Spain full for me to say this, but Haman is Russian to kill my people.”

Haman’s loud Wales could be heard as he carried Honduran this scene. “Oman!” Haman cried bitterly. “Iraq my brains in an effort to destroy the Jews. But that sneaky Mordechai – Egypt me! “

Haman and his ten sons were hanged and went immediately to the Netherlands. And to Sweden the deal, the Jews were allowed to Polish off the rest of their foes as well. “You lost your enemies and Uganda friend,” the king smiled.

And that is why the Purim story Israeli a miracle. God decided to China light on His chosen people.

So now, let’s celebrate! Forget all your Syria’s business and just be happy! Serb up some wine and Taiwan on!

Happy Purim!!!

Vayikra (Leviticus 1:1 – 5:26), Shabbat Zachor

(2017 and 2016) Interesting mix of moods this week: We start Leviticus (Vayikra) with instructions for sacrifices; remember an ancient enemy of the Israelites and the failure of Saul as king; and, on Purim (Saturday night and Sunday), read how a nice Jewish girl “passed” to become the Persian queen and was prodded into saving her people, in celebration of which we have a grand time eating hamantaschen and getting drunk.

I realize that there is probably something somewhere in Leviticus to annoy and/or offend pretty much everyone who is reading this. And there’s very little in the way of narrative. But amidst the sacrificial details, skin diseases, genital disorders, and prescriptions of appropriate sexual partners, there is actually a lot of good stuff concerning ethical behavior. In this week’s portion, however, there’s a little ethics, but it’s mostly sacrifices.

The first few chapters of Leviticus constitute a training manual for the priests concerning offerings: what is to be sacrificed, when, why, by whom, how, what could be substituted, and who gets to eat what [yes, only after many years of skimming such readings did I look more closely and realize that not everything was totally burned up and that the sacrificial system provided a lot of good meat for the priests and Levites (mmm, barbecue)].  The ArtScroll’s Stone edition of the Torah readings has a several-page, tabulated crib sheet of all the details.

Here are the 5 basic types of offerings we learn about this week:

• The burnt offering (olah) (Lev. 1:1-17), totally burned, was intended to bring the giver closer to the Lord.
• The meal offering (minchah) (Lev. 2:1-16), made of flour and oil (unleavened), cooked or uncooked, was often given by those who couldn’t afford an animal for an olah. 
• The offering of well-being, or peace offering (sh’lamim) (Lev. 3:1-17), was given in gratitude and was partly eaten by priests, donor, and guests as a festive meal (like sponsoring a kiddush lunch at synagogue today).
• The sin offering (chatat) (Lev. 4:1-35; 5:1-13) was to atone for an unintentional sin, individual or communal.
• The guilt offering (asham), (Lev. 5:14-26), a ram, was usually offered by someone who had stolen property. The thief also had to make restitution and pay a fine.

If you want modern parallels, think of how we give money or other gifts in honor of something or in memory of someone or because we feel guilty (flowers and candy) or because we are grateful for something or in honor of a holiday.

Two questions:  Why is there a sacrificial system at all? And why do the Israelites have to hear all its details, most of which are intended for priestly practice?

There have been, naturally, many positions taken concerning the sacrifice of animals as a means of worshiping God. Maimonides (1138-1204) saw this system as a useful means of gradually leading them from idolatry to prayer, i.e., sacrifices to idols -> sacrifices to the Lord -> serving the Lord without sacrifices. Nachmanides (1194-1270), on the other hand, felt that was nonsense, that sacrifices were not inherently linked to idolatry since they predated idolatry in the Torah. Instead, he held that the details of the sacrificial system had intrinsic value; in fact, the sacrifice was symbolically offered in place of the person himself. A modern sociological/historical analysis by Hillel Gruenberg of JTS (The Rituals that Make a Nation) identifies the sacrifices and rituals in Leviticus as reflecting the Israelites’ “communal needs …giving form and substance to an emergent sense of “groupness” that transcended the tribal and familial divisions that then characterized their society of wanderers.”

Why do the Israelites (and congregants) have to hear all the details? Robert Tornberg nicely sums it upin Looking through the Smoke: A Transparent Message:  “The Torah ensures that Judaism is not a secret religion run by priests who know more ‘truth’ than anyone else. It is, instead, open, and accessible.” 

I mentioned we do indeed get some ethics in this portion. I was thinking specifically about the sin offering (chatat). Remember, those are for unintentional sins. An individual could offer a chatat in private. But if the High Priest sinned, leading the people astray, he had to offer a chatat in public. A community that unintentionally sinned also offered a chatat in public, as did a leader who unintentionally sinned. Nowadays, we have general communal confession on Yom Kippur. However, it seems to have become much rarer for some of our designated leaders to admit confess to a misdeed, even an unintentional one, let alone atone for it.

Shabbat Zachor, the second of four special Shabbatot before Passover, is the Sabbath right before Purim. The second scroll reading, Deuteronomy 25:17-19, is a command to remember (zachor) an evil attack by Amalek on the Israelites and blot out his memory. That suggests we need to be aware of our history so as to blot out the evil of the descendants of Amalek. The special haftarah, I Samuel 15:2-34 about how King Saul, commanded to destroy the Amalekites, screws up and is told he has lost his kingdom, spiritually (physically, he has about 20 years to go).  It’s very dramatic and was my daughter’s Bat Mitzvah haftarah. The link with Purim? Haman is supposedly a descendant of Amalek, Mordechai, of Saul.

Purim commemorates the tale told in the Book of Esther (aka “The Megillah”), which takes maybe 45 minutes to chant, even with making noise to drown out villain Haman’s name.  You can print out your own copy in Hebrew or English or both, with or without commentary, or learn how to chant it.  It is customary to dress in costume, exchange gifts of food, have a festive meal (seudah) during the day, perform in or watch often-parodic Purim spiels and, as noted above, eat hamantaschen and get drunk, enough that you curse hero Mordechai and praise Haman. The obligation to get drunk is in the Talmud, Tractate Megillah (7b).  Enjoy!

Shabbat shalom and zei gezunt,
Irene

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https://www.thespoof.com/spoof-news/entertainment-gossip/157236/hillbillies-in-kentucky-are-using-the-hot-as-hell-sun-to-barbecue-possumburgers

“I do swear that my woman’s roadkill possumburgers taste just like T-bone steak.” -LYLE LICKSTREET

NASTY NOOKY, Kentucky – (Satire News) – United American News reports that lots of the state’s hillbillies are taking advantage of the sizzling hot temps.

Lottie Bungalow with UAN said that she spoke to several of the country folk who she noted were actually quite happy at the scorching heat.

Lottie said that a Mr. and Mrs. Lyle Lickstreet, who have lived in Nasty Nook all of their lives said that being hard core rednecks they do not mind the sweltering heat one damn bit, or as Loretta Lickstreet put it, “Dis here dumbass hotness don’t be bothering me’s and my redneck hubby Lyle one f***ing bit, y’all.”

She then added that they are saving money on electricity, by sitting out on the porch and barbecuing possumburgers on their Jed Clampett Charcoal Grill.

SIDENOTE: The local Nasty Nooky weatherman says that they are expecting a cold front from Alaska to come in and lower the temps down to a cool 99.

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https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/offering-quotes

Quotes about Offering

• True generosity is an offering; given freely and out of pure love. No strings attached. No expectations. Time and love are the most valuable possessions you can share. Suze Orman
• I like cats a lot. I’ve always liked cats. They’re great company. When they eat, they always leave a little bit at the bottom of the bowl. A dog will polish the bowl, but a cat always leaves a little bit. It’s like an offering. Christopher Walken
• I am not trying to change the world. I am just offering my gift that God gave me, and if somebody is moved by it, that’s beautiful. Lenny Kravitz
• It’s always best to ask for forgiveness if you feel that you made a mistake. And again, asking for forgiveness is not just saying the words ‘I’m sorry’; it is also offering what you need to do. Grace Poe
• Offering a politician’s non-apology that accepts everything but responsibility isn’t the same as accountability. Ash Sarkar

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https://upjoke.cofunnyjokestoday.com m/memory-jokes

Memory Jokes

• The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve. It was an apple but with extremely limited memory.
  Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.
• A man and his family walk into a bar. Inside of the bar, the man’s youngest child sees a Native American sitting under a sign stating “World’s longest memory”.
  The child walks up to sign and decides to test if this sign is true.
  The child asks, “What did you have for breakfast 30 years ago?”
  The Native American states, “eggs.”
  The child states that the native could have just made that up, and then later leaves the bar.
  Years later, when the child returns back with his own family he sees the same native at the bar. Walking up to the man, he states a stereotypical, “How?!”
  The Native replies, “scrambled.”
• I told my doctor I was having problems with my memory…
  He made me pay in advance.

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https://jr.co.il/humor/purim-top-10-lists.htm

Top 10 Signs That
The Ahznei Haman (Hamentaschen)
You Baked Were Not a Hit

10. Ace Hardware store sells them as doorstops

9. When entered in a baking contest, they win the category called: Most Likely to Choke a Horse

8. Environmentalists refuse to even use them as landfill

7. Your kitchen smoke alarm goes off so often, the Fire Department moves in next door

6. Your kids/grandkids even trade them for hunks of tofu

5. When the Toronto Maple Leafs Hockey Team ran out of hockey pucks, they ordered some baked goods from you

4. They bounce even higher than a SuperBall

3. Your baking is so bad that the police cordon your kitchen off as a crime-scene

2. Ancient pieces were discovered constructed into the walls at Masada

And the number 1 sign That the Aznei Haman You Baked
Were Not a Hit:
1. Haman himself, wants his name removed from the title